Wednesday, September 21, 2011

delicious cheese pirogies in spinach bacon cream sauce.

for the pirogi dough:
three large eggs, beaten
2 c. all purpose flour

for the pirogi filling:
six kinda big potatoes
1/2 stick butter, softened and salted.
2 c heavy whipping cream
2 - 3 cups of mild cheddar, grated.
4 small cloves garlic
salt and pepper to taste

for the sauce:
the white/light green ends of 4 large leeks, chopped and RINSED
---you may also use onions, but it changes the flavor a bit, so i don't recommend it.
1/2 of a roasted red bell pepper, chopped
4 large handfuls of fresh baby spinach
5 large cloves garlic
3 tbs butter
1 c. heavy whipping cream
1/2 c. dry sherry
1 tbs beef bouillon paste, dissolved in 1 c. room temp water.
salt & pepper to taste
1 tsp white pepper
1 tbs red pepper flakes (cayenne pepper will do, but cut it back by a third)
1/2 tsp thyme
1/2 tsp oregano
3 tbs bacon bits (or you can use fresh bacon, and i can give you an alternate instruction for that -- it does improve the flavor a lot.)

please also beat one egg and set aside in a small ramekin or cup or whatever.

sift the flour into your food processor, and then pour the beaten eggs into it. pulse the food processor until it forms a dough that balls up like this:

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if it looks like hunks of sand, add regular old tap water one tablespoon at a time. when it works and does what the picture is showing you, dump it out on the counter into some flour and knead it until it isn't sticky anymore. it's going to feel like you're kneading it too much, because it'll feel like a small rock, but don't worry. that's just the strands of gluten getting long and tightening up.

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after kneading, wrap the dough in a plastic bag or saran wrap, and WRAP TIGHTLY. set aside for at least forty five minutes so it can rest and so that the gluten strands can relax. please leave it somewhere not cold.

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next, chop and boil your potatoes. make sure to rinse the starch off of them after they're chopped, or it turns into a mess. set them on the stove with enough water to cover, and boil them. chuck in the garlic listed in the potato part of the list above, and please stick them in whole. if you have some cheesecloth handy, this would be a good time to tie those into a bundle so they don't get lost in the potatoes. if not, it's okay. you can either pick them out and chop them or go on a search and destroy mission with your hand mixer later.

while you wait for that, take out your leeks out and cut off the green parts (save them! you can use them to make a delicious vegetable broth, which i will tell you how to do in the next recipe). slice them lengthwise, and before you chop them further, set them under cold running water and rise them out REALLY well. one thing about leeks is that because of the way they're grown, they often have dirt trapped in between the layers. afterwards, chop chop chop.

to roast a bell pepper, you have two options. the first, and slower way, is to baste it into some olive oil and put it into the oven, cut face down, and let it broil on high for about ten or so minutes or until the skins starts to pull away from the flesh of the bell pepper and gets black spots.

the second and faster way is really only available if you have a gas range. turn your smallest thingamajig on high, and set the bell pepper on top, skin down. using a pair of tongs, scoot it around until the skin is pulling away from the bell pepper and has black spots on it. you'll smell the tasty.

after this is done, put the bell pepper aside and let it cool. should only take a few minutes, and then you need to cut it lengthwise (make sure you remove the white nasty bits) and then chop it into relatively small pieces. unless of course, you like big pieces and then it's entirely up to you.

tear up your spinach into smaller pieces.

at this time, you should check on your potatoes. they should be fork destructible with little to no effort. if not, put the lid back and and back off.

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see? falling apart. prime mashing material.

once they're done, pull them off the stove and drain them. while still hot, take your hand mixer and mash them up.

and now it's time for our food chemistry lesson. there's a really awesome secret to getting perfect mashed potatoes every single time.

so. we know that potatoes are a starch, right? well, starch is a molecule, and molecules have walls. when you cut, mash, or otherwise mutilate a potato, you break down those walls and they ooze their starchy goodness everywhere. if you mash them with liquid, the broken little souls of the starch molecules get all bound up in the fats from the butter and cream (or milk, if you're diet conscious), and form sticky webs. THIS little fact is why your potatoes get gross and rubbery when you beat the hell out of them trying to get those last lumps. if you do your mashing without liquid, the broken starch molecules aren't going to be held hostage by the evil fat gang.

so, instead of adding your liquids before you mash, leave them out and mash them before you add your cream and butter. you can make them as chunky or smooth as you like, just don't add your fats until AFTER you mash.

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i couldn't find my handmixer, so i used a wooden spatula.

and then post liquids:
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once you've gotten them the consistency you like, add your cheese, about a half cup at a time. stir them. don't worry about the texture too much at this point; the cheese is going to make it kind of gluey anyway so it doesn't matter. it'll relax in a bit. season with salt and LOTS of pepper to taste.

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mmmm cheese.

your dough should be done resting by now, so it's time to put it to work. before you start to work it, feel the dough. do you feel how nice and soft it is now? it's not the resentful little lump it was when you left it in a warm corner, is it? that's because all of those stressful little gluten strands have had a chance to unwind, and they've smoothed themselves out. much like the muscle fibers in chicken, remember?

so. take the dough out and if you have a pasta maker, PLEASE use it. a pasta maker makes like so much easier. i love mine because it allows for a lot of creativity and i can make my dough as thick or thin as i like. if not, roll your dough into a log, and cut off about one inch. form it into a little square, and roll the hell out of it with a rolling pin. you typically want it to be about 1/8 of an inch thick. please remember that what you have here is uncooked dough, so the thicker it is, the longer you're going to have to boil it.

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hi, i am a pirogi maker. get me.

if you don't have a pirogi maker, i suggest you go find one. it makes this job much easier. otherwise, here are my instructions:

lay your dough down on a clean section of counter, and put about 1tsp of your cheese potato mixture about 1/2 inch from the edge, and then continue placing those little potato presents about 1 inch away from one another. roll out another layer of dough about two inches wider and longer than your first, and set aside. with the egg i asked you to set aside earlier, dip a finger or brush or whatever else into it and paint around the edges of your potato presents. lay the other sheet of dough on top, press down along the edges of your potato presents with your fingers, then divide the thing you've just created into squares (like raviolis, dig?), and then press around the edges with a long tined fork.

lather, rinse, repeat until all dough is used.

empty out all of the potatoes if there are any left into a bowl and let everyone munch, or you can set them aside for another meal or what have you. rinse out the pot to get all the remaining potato bits, and then fill it with enough water to cover the pirogies. salt the water with about 1 tbs of salt, and bring to a boil. dump in the pirogies, and cook for about six minutes. just like pasta. when they're MOST of the way done (they'll still have this little funky layer inside that's kind of gritty, and you want that), dump them into the same strainer you used for the potatoes, and let them rest. in the meantime, YOU, my friend, are going to make a delicious.

with the same pot you used before (look? isn't this nice? one pot for all of dinner. it's like MAGIC.) over high heat, put in about half of the butter with half of the garlic i told you to use. please crush said garlic, for your sake and mine. when the butter and garlic is beginning to smell awesome*, toss in your leeks and peppers, and let those bad boys soften up a bit. the liquid will begin to reduce, and that's when you want to add your pirogies to the pot. stir them around GENTLY PLEASE, and then add the sherry. reduce a bit, add the cream, butter, and the rest of the garlic. add your beef stuff, then let reduce on medium heat for about ten minutes. the sauce isn't that thick at all, so don't worry.


*alternate universe recipe! if you want to be all fancy and use fresh bacon instead of bits (or prosciutto, or something equally lavish), chop up about 4 pieces of thick cut bacon and chuck it into the pot at this point. let it get to the point where you really want to stick your hand in and eat them all, scoop them out and set aside BUT NOT EATING THEM, and then add your leeks and peppers and continue with the recipe as written.

once it's reduced so it's not so watery (shouldn't be thick enough to coat the back of a spoon, but shouldn't immediately run off, either), add your spices to taste, and then add your bacon bits and spinach and let the spinach wilt and get all slippery. this is a fairly decent way to get rid of some of that slimy spinach, by the way. if you've got a package that you really don't want to eat because it's got some of those little slimy bits, you can put them in here and no one will know the difference, to a point. just don't put that one package that's nearly ALL slimy bits because you forgot that you had it in the back of the crisper bin. that's gross, and probably bad for you.

at this point, there is nothing left for you to do but eat. so go do it.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

one two three four, can i have a little more?

Good grief.

So, in the intervening weeks since the last time I actually sat down and wrote anything worth reading, I:

1. quit my job
2. called someone a best friend for the first time in over four years
3. had a spiritual revelation
4. had a relationship revelation
5. became more at peace with myself because of the the above.

The first thing, quitting my job, was something that was long overdue. It was killing me. Love was very disappointed in me for quitting (though it took a lot of prodding to get him to admit it) because he felt like I was relying too much on other people and not taking enough responsibility for the things in my life. I'll be really honest here: I'm not bothered by what he thought about it. It's better to be seen as irresponsible than it would to be dead because dear sweet God in Heaven I just could not take it anymore and I offed myself. I promise -- it's better.

I'm a lot happier without the job, and I've realized that as much as I like weddings, I hate the industry and what the entire idea of weddings and what everyone thinks they SHOULD be does to people. These dresses turn ordinarily decent people into body-hating, bitter grouches. They turn reasonable men and women into insane caricatures of their former selves and ruin relationships.  They lose sight of what the wedding is supposed to be about: the marriage. It's not just a DAY. It's the day that starts off the rest of your lives, together. Your marriage! How amazing is that? And people forget because that's what the entire industry has trained us to do. You're supposed to get wrapped up in these little details, like the embroidery on your napkins and the flavor of each of your fifteen tiers of cake, and spend a gazillion dollars on it and oh you HAVE to remember that this is YOUR day and you get to do whatever YOU want and to hell with what anyone ELSE thinks.

This is not to say that you shouldn't disregard what a person every now and again thinks. Some people have toxic thoughts and they're no good for you. But when it becomes all about you, you need to stop and think. Nothing that changes people this drastically for the worse can be a good thing, and people lose sight of that when they get caught up in all of these inane details. It's not about you; it's about your marriage. This thing built between two people that are ready to face down all of the wonderful, scary, irritating things that come with spending the rest of your life with someone. You're ready to wake up to the same person every morning... and their morning breath. Making their family your family, only you can't get into a rabid fight with them over the remote. Slow dancing in the kitchen together to sweet love songs and then those quirky ones that only the two of you get the significance. It's understanding that, regardless of how much this person can get under your skin, there's no one else you'd rather come and help you pick up the pieces. There's no one else whose morning breath you'd tolerate, and who would tolerate yours.

So, no. I don't like the wedding industry, and I'm glad to be shut of it.

I think I am going to break the rest of these into separate posts, because I am quite tired. So, I will write about Best Friend and my revelations later.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

just to hear your voice

i took a picture of your i love you
so i can take it with me wherever i go
it is this tiny reminder that no one sees but me
that this is real and there
and not something i dreamed up
in one of my crazier moments

i wear the hearts you gave me
(a seal upon my arm,
a seal upon my heart)
and their weight reminds me
i love you, dear, very very much
i can hear you say it
as though close at hand,
thirteen hundred miles in an instant

i let you go and do my best
i try not to think about things
about the want and the need
to be close to you,
to be consumed by you and your love
to keep you all for myself
about your smile and your hands
the way you pull my hand close to your chest
even in sleep

this is my every day life;
so it goes.

Monday, April 18, 2011

heaven's lighting a candle, and i'm ready to break on through

I was sitting in Mass this past Sunday, and there was some song that the choir was singing. I wasn't really paying attention too much until I looked down at the hymnal in my hands and saw this line in the song:

Our Father, heal my jealous heart

and it struck a chord in me. I've been struggling a lot lately with my own jealousy in my relationship with Love. He's fairly popular with the ladies (and really, who can blame them? He's gorgeous and smart and stable and financially solvent and friendly and...) and it drives me crazy that they *like* him as much as they do. I've always been a little bit jealous in my relationships, and not without good reason. In every relationship in which I've been involved, my partners always ended up cheating on me. Whether it was with another woman or with drugs or what have you -- they all left.

Here is where my little negative Nancy pops up and yells, "WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT, WITH AN ATTITUDE LIKE THAT." And she's right. Self-fulfilling prophesies and all that. I generally don't voice my fears on the subject, because I don't want to be that nagging, nasty partner that accuses and suspects so much that her partners just up and do it so they can get the fun with the vitriol.

With Love, there's Something In Particular that's giving me grief, and I've had to do a lot of work to not be suspicious or angry or hateful towards SIP out of respect for Love and how he feels about the whole thing. After my last relationship, which ended in what can only be described as a fiery ball of lies and betrayal and just plain old shitheaded chickenbaby behavior, I am wary of situations like SIP and the sort of trouble they bring with them. 

So, I'm struggling. I struggle with it every single day in ways you wouldn't believe. I have to restrain myself from writing letters and sending them, asking why and wishing for it to go away and the like because I am filled with such anger and fear that, eventually, Love will realize that he'd be better off without me and who the hell wants to date that old bag anyway?

This is the part of my confession where I admit to you that I have crippling self-confidence problems with which I have struggled my entire life, made worse only by the fact that, Love excluded, none of my romantic partners have ever made me feel as though I were worth every ounce of trouble, every moment of loneliness, every bit of work that it took to be with me.

I am scared, every single day, that I will get that phone call or that email that will shatter my heart into a thousand pieces again and I will have to start over, again, building my life up from where this hole will have been blown in it from the person I love ripping themselves away from me.

It is my greatest challenge every day to refuse to let this fear control how I behave in my relationship. When Love told me about SIP, I had a miniature meltdown. I could only imagine that, since it was almost exactly like how it had been before, there was no way it wouldn't happen again because that's just how it works.

It took me several days before I could stop and think and remember that I needed to trust in the fact that Love was not and is not lying to me when he tells me, "I love you." I needed to stop doubting that he was serious and was never going to hurt me the same way everyone else had. That he wasn't going to be the same as everyone else. I had to keep telling myself that, over and over and over again, in spite of all my doubts about love (with a lowercase 'L') and people and fidelity.

I prayed, not knowing what it was that I wanted or needed but just that I couldn't go on like that. I knew I needed so badly to be loved and held and cherished the way no one ever had. Sitting in Mass this past Sunday, I realized what it was that I was trying to ask for, but didn't have the words. I need for the wound that is still very much a wound and not a scar to heal. The root of my jealousy is a very deep hurt over having been lied to with the words, "I love you."

I don't know how I'm going to go about healing it. I know it's going to take time and a lot of faith and a lot of patience on the part of Love, but hopefully he'll understand that this is something that I need to work myself through in order to be a better, fuller person. In order to be a better partner and girlfriend and hopefully, eventually, wife.



remembering your touch, your kiss
your warm embrace
i'll find my way back to you
please say you'll be waiting
together again, it would feel so good to be
in your arms
where all my journeys end
you can make a promise
if it's one that you can keep
i vow to come for you
if you wait for me
and say you'll hold a place for me
in your heart
          Tracy Chapman, The Promise

Thursday, April 14, 2011

How to Make a Luigi Hat!

So, I decided I wanted to make a hat for my brother to wear so he could be Luigi for something we're doing with our friends. I couldn't find the sort of floppy hat I wanted (not for under $20, and for something he's only going to wear once, I didn't want to spend that much!) so I snagged a green baseball cap from Goodwill for $3.99. It was a brand new John Deere cap, and since I'm no stranger to removing embroidery I figured it wouldn't be a huge deal to remove it.

Then it was off to Hobby Lobby for some green and white felt (1/8th yard each, at $.79) and some Exacto blades ($2.49) so I could cut it.



Here, you can see my main materials all lined up. I wasn't too concerned with being careful when I removed the embroidery underneath what would be the patch, so you can see where I poked through a couple of times. You can ALSO see where I haven't removed the embroidery off the side, but I'll get to that later.


So, here's my white felt with my "stencil." I looked at a bunch of pictures of Luigi and figured out roughly what the size of it needed to be so it was proportional to the person who would be wearing the hat. Or at least their face. I found something that looked about right, and then cut around it with the Exacto blades.


Here you can see how I've gone and cut out my circle. It's obviously a little raggedy, so I'm going to trim it thusly:


Nice and neat!


I used a nail file to make the 'L' for the emblem. It was wide enough to cover the amount of white I needed so it didn't look lame, and was what I had available. I'll leave it to you to guess which reason was the real one.


White circle + green 'L'...


...plus some green thread...


...plus some hat and some pins to hold it down, followed by some white thread...


...plus a scruffy-looking dog-herder, and you've got a Luigi hat!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

ee cummings said it better

i wrote you a note
and i tucked it in the folds
of your wallet
of all the reasons i love you

sometimes the words
iloveyou
fall flat and they don't say
what i need them to
so i lay it out
like an architect's plan
such and such goes here
and this is how this works

here now is the layout
of the chambers of my heart
with all of their hidden places
here is the apse for my thoughts of you
for all my prayers for you

i seek you
i seek your heart
in all the moments of my day
i keep your letter in my car
so that every single morning before work
i can take it out of its place
and kiss your i love you and your name
these little pieces of you,
of your heart
i carry them with me
like smoldering coals in a bucket
to keep me warm
when i can't be near my hearth and home.